A Definitely Cynical and All-Around Slightly Depressing Post About Adulthood

Emily Bernstein
January 8, 2019

What do you hope to be doing in 5 years?

I hate this question. I got asked it two years ago, and the year before that. I don’t know how I’m supposed to answer it considering that I don’t know what I want to be doing when I’m 26 or 27, let alone what I’m having for dinner tomorrow night.

If you had asked me 5 years ago what I thought I was going to be doing today, I wouldn’t have said living in Israel, studying for the LSAT before going to law school. I would have said I would be interning at a publishing house in New York City, working my way up to becoming an editor while working on my own manuscript. And so much has changed since. Life is funny that way.

And I still can’t answer that question. To be honest, I can’t tell you a lot of things.

When I graduated college, I think I assumed something magical was going to happen. That the tassel was going to move, and I was just going to know. Know without a doubt what I want to do professionally, know how to pay bills, know how to budget effectively, know what I’m already doing, know how to host a classy dinner party with friends, know who I’m going to be.

Yet, here we are, six months post-graduation and, once a day, I still think how am I allowed to be an adult?

I reach for my phone to call my mom every time I don’t feel well, I text my sister constantly about my friends and in dire need of advice, and my dad is my go-to guy on all my technology questions.

And let’s not forget about the internet.  If I have no idea how to do something, the whole world – or almost all of it – is at the tip of my fingers.

But still…

I have no idea what I’m doing.

Google is no help. Google gives me WikiHow articles. Google gives me advice columns about making my bed every morning, checking my ego, calling people back in a timely manner, being grateful. But that’s not how to be an adult, that’s just how to be a good human being.

I guess what I want to know is: when do I start knowing?

And I’d like to know. Just know. I’d go to school forever if I could – study literature, law, politics, teaching, history, art. I’d learn and study and then maybe I’d have the knowledge. But I doubt it.

See, school is really useful in that it gave me – and will continue to give me – critical thinking skills that are useful in the real world to an extent. But what’s going to give me the knowledge (maybe I should be referring to it with a capital K) is getting out into the world and working and acting like an adult.

But how am I supposed to know how to be an adult? High school and first year of university classes take so much care to introduce you to and ease you into what it is to be a college student. Then, you get to senior year, you have your graduation gown and you’ve decorated your cap, and what do you get?

An empty diploma booklet and a bag full of “goodies” containing an envelope asking for donations.

No helpful hints on how to actually be an adult – just a drawn-out graduation speech from some household name celebrity that has vague references on how to succeed as an adult. Not that I didn’t like my graduation speaker – he was actually quite funny – but his advice didn’t have a lot of weight. His speech was engaging and full of humorous anecdotes that, surrounded by the magic of graduation, really inspired me.

But here I am. And… I feel like I’m floundering.

As millennials, my peers and I face a lot of criticism about being lazy or spending too much money on avocado toast or feeling better than our jobs.

But it’s the opposite. We have to work twice as hard as other people to prove ourselves, to make our voices heard, to make our positions matter. Our toiling away in jobs we feel better than is because the job market demands experience in fields we don’t have experience in due to our toiling away in school for 17+ years. I’ve had a job since I was 15 and I still don’t have enough office experience to even interview to be someone’s assistant.

So how am I supposed to use my fancy degree from a fancy university to do anything other than something I feel might be slightly below me due to the lack of experience I have. (This statement does not apply to what I’m doing right now in Israel – it is obviously a feeling expressed in cynicism about the job market in America.) So yeah, we feel better than our jobs.

How could we not? We’ve been in school for 17+ years working our butts off for jobs we can’t get.

And, personally, all I see are other people my age floundering and putting on their work clothes every morning pretending they know what they’re doing – just like I do. None of us really know anything, so we eat our avocado toast with pride because at least we know that avocado is amazing.

I’m not trying to make excuses for my generation. Really, I’m not. I’m just trying to understand. And I’m sorry if you came to this blog post looking for some sort of conclusion. I don’t have one.

Yet.

So, I guess, for now, I’ll stick with the age-old adage of fake it ‘til you make it. After all, that’s what everyone else is doing…right?

שׁלום

On Feeling Safe in Israel

Emily Bernstein
December 22, 2018

When I got back from Birthright in June 2015, I couldn’t wait to talk about the experience with my family and friends. The problem was, when I told some of my friends I had just gotten back from Israel, they didn’t ask did you have fun? They didn’t ask how was it? They didn’t even really want to hear anything I had to say until they could ask:

But… Did you feel safe? 

I struggled – and still struggle – to answer that question because I have a gut, instinctive reaction to scoff, but I also completely appreciate the question and understand where it’s coming from. 

Due to the media, bias, and just what we hear about the region, people – and no, not everyone, but many – tend to assume the streets of Israel (Jerusalem especially) are filled with violence, soldiers walking around with fully loaded guns, sadness, displacement, and lots and lots of sand. Some of those observations aren’t entirely wrong, but still. 

Here’s the thing: Jerusalem is a vibrant city. There’s traffic, concrete everywhere, and people are always in a hurry. At 8:30-9 am, people are rushing to school and to work. There are coffee shops, and shawarma restaurants, on every corner. At night, people go to dinner, drink at bars, go to movies, go to bed. Sound familiar? It should, because I just described every city ever. 

Is there more tension here based on a more than 70 year old conflict? Yes. Is the media always 100% wrong when reporting on what’s happening in Israel? No. Is there constant violence and are there attacks going on all the time in Jerusalem or Israel as a whole? Not necessarily (but we’ll get back to that). 

Is it safe? I’d say yes. 

I was raised to not walk places alone at night, not go to places that felt not right, and just generally look out for things that seem fishy.

And I went to university in a relatively large city. I rarely walked anywhere alone at night. I avoided certain parts of the city. I would turn my music down when walking alone – even during the day – to be sure I could hear my surroundings. I locked my car doors obsessively. 

Am I any less aware here than I was at home? Absolutely not. Do I feel less safe here than I did at home? Not at all.

When I walk to work, weekly seminars, shul on Fridays, dinner with friends, the bar that plays American football games on Sundays, I don’t look behind my shoulder at every footstep passing. I smile at people who pass me. I’m honestly more comfortable walking places than getting in a taxi (which might have way more to do with the crippling anxiety I have getting into a car with any stranger where they could turn into an alley or empty parking lot at any point and murder me violently which is an anxiety I have in the States, and everywhere, in Ubers and Lyfts too, but I digress). 

It’d be naive to say that I feel completely safe and secure here. Just these past two weeks, Masa restricted travel for Masa participants for safety concerns. This was due to a wave of – and I really hesitate to use this phrase here due to its violent and exceedingly negative connotations – terrorist attacks that were coming out of specific parts of Israel. 

Masa has since reversed the restrictions. The restrictions were in place solely for the safety and security of people like me – on a Masa program – because, while we’re here, they’re responsible for us. It’s a little bit like your parents telling you not to cross the street without an adult when you’re a little kid. 

And, since I’ve been here, there have been a number of rocket attacks from Gaza in the south. Living in Jerusalem gives me the advantage of feeling pretty okay when that happens since people would be pretty stupid to set fire to Jerusalem – a city coveted by all involved parties. But living in Jerusalem doesn’t alleviate any of the tension that permeates the air when rockets are falling just three hours south of here and a pregnant mother is shot in a drive-by shooting. 

I’m not saying this is okay. The Arab/Israeli conflict is complicated and longstanding, and definitely needs a solution so that Israelis and Palestinians don’t have to go through another 70+ years of this.*

I’m just trying to explain – as an American temporarily living in Israel – the situation from my point of view. (And if you don’t want my point of view, you’ve come to the wrong blog.)

What upsets me more than anything – more than if I feel safe, if I’m worried about something happening to me or my friends, if it’s worth it to have this incredible experience – is that Israelis – most of whom were simply born into this circumstance and now have to live in fear for those family members and friends in the army – live this for their whole lives

I’ll say it again: it’s not okay. But just because there is violence in Israel doesn’t mean I feel unsafe. 

I mean, look at the US where people are facing awful, marginalizing, violent situations which I will not get into in this blog post because that’s a whole other story. 

Look, Israel and Palestine are at war. And war means violence. War means people are going to get hurt. War is painful, it is gruesome, and it is heartbreaking. But war doesn’t mean living in fear. It doesn’t mean people are living their lives any differently than people are in the states. Like I said, they go to work, they eat, they hang out with friends, they go to bed. Life in Israel is not a constant wait for something to happen, for something to go wrong. 

So yes, I feel safe here. And thank you, truly, for asking. 

*This blog post was entirely in response to the subject of feeling safe here in Israel. In no way was this a post that intended to address the Arab/Israeli conflict. Perhaps I will write a blog about that one day, perhaps not. Should you wish to ask me about my opinions regarding safety or the conflict, feel free to contact me. 

שׁלום

There Is Too Much… Let Me Sum Up

Emily Bernstein
November 5, 2018

My lack of updates on my life here has not been for lack of something to share, nor has it been because of laziness. Actually, it has just been due to how busy it’s all been and the fact that, about a month ago now, I started my internship!

The work we do at my office is quite incredible. For a multitude of reasons, I can’t say too much about it. The main reason being that I’ll just babble about it because I get very excited about it and all the work we do.

I spent most of my days researching and writing, which, if you know me at all, is right up my alley. The people in my office are very nice and, because some of them don’t speak English, I’m working on my Hebrew skills (hopefully).

It’s strange to have already turned to November (metaphorically, of course, as I don’t have a calendar here other than my planner which I technically turn every week). It’s odd to have been here two months already and still feel like I’m leaving in a week. However, the little town of Jerusalem has officially started to feel like home. It’s a home without access to nachos, but it’s a home nonetheless.

A very exciting thing happened last week, which was that Dad came to visit! Dad jaunted over to Israel after being in Europe and spent the weekend with me. I was very excited to see him, but more excited to see all the stuff he brought me – some shoes I forgot, my kindle, and, to my surprise, an Aaron Rodgers jersey! I was shocked and excited to the point of speechlessness (although I’m kind of embarrassed to wear it now – the Packers are really disappointing me this season). This might seem like an inconsequential detail to you but it was an important detail to me and so you must hear about it.

We had Shabbat, ate tacos (because of course I found tacos here – don’t doubt my powers), walked through the Old City, went to a yummy brunch, visited the Kotel on Saturday… Just regular my-dad-is-visiting-me-in-Israel things.

Then, we said goodbye, but Dad will be back, along with Mom and Meghan (but no Norman I have been assured which is disappointing but I supposed seeing Mom and Meghan will have to do 😉 ) in December! Hooray! It’ll be here before I know it.

Anyway, I just wanted to say hello, and that, no, I have not abandoned my blogging. Just been busy.

Until next time!

שׁלום